Coping with the present crisis

The horror, the horror. It's Sunday already and you haven't done a thing about shopping. Why on earth not? You've had most of the year, and now look: Christmas is almost upon us. The city is clogged with bags and parcels under which, bent into S shapes, are the hunched people of Melbourne who, just like you and, I'm afraid to say, me, bow beneath the weight of their own laziness.

All this for one day in which the wrappings are wrenched away at dawn and, long after an anything-but-festive lunch, thousands of pairs of socks are destined for permanent separation, pending woollen divorce, and that book which seemed such a fine idea does not augur well for your aunt's nervous disposition: Hannibal Lecter, to her, is an illustrated talk on the elephant warrior of 218BC, not someone who fancies the parson's nose from a genuine clergyman.

Still, try to put your mind in order. Groucho's annual Easy Gift Guide is the answer to those late-shopping problems. Look through these samples from the complete catalogue, available from Groucho Enterprises for only $57.99 (shipping extra). And, because these are all essential items, they are GST-free! One thing is assured: for those people who have everything, there is always one thing they haven't.

1. Turn YOUR pet into a favourite literary character with the all-new WelRed╝ disguise kit, which could make your hound the talk of your next book group. In the time it takes to say "Vladimir Nabokov", your wire-haired dachshund can be transformed into Lolita! Just add the special PinkoHeart╝ sunnies and, there you have it. Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. A bitch you can worship, but no funny business, mind! Kit also comes with polka-dot bikini and optional blonde wig. Additional kits include Treasure Island for parrots (the crutch and eyepatch are to die for!), The Brothers Karamazov for identical spaniels, and Anna Karenina for Burmese cats - but do keep them away from the railway line! From $245.99.